And So The World Ends!

News channels have nothing to do. Not the bad ones anyway. Unfortunately, most of the bad ones are in Hindi. So its a double whammy, for credibilty of news and the language. As is common knowledge, scientists have predicted the world to end in two ways. First would take a couple billion years more, when the sun dies and fries the solar system. Second would be due to a huge flood, followed by an ice age all because of global warming. That would take a further 100 years.

So the news channels werent content with this. Oh no! They wanted a piece of the action. C'mon, what good is a channel if they dont present a 24x7 coverage of the world perishing? So, they did their own "Highly complicated and technical calculations" to discover that the actual intelligent scientists had it all wrong. Thus followed a myraid of possible armageddon dates. In chronological order they are:

29th November 2007: Total Tv announces that Lord Shiva is really angry at us less-than-moral people and plans to start a humanity ending Tandav pretty soon. Now the question here is, will he kill only hindu's or people from all religions? That would be unfair, considering they have no idea as to what's going on!

2nd January 2008: IBN7 and India TV tried to grab the most eyeballs by predicting the end on 31st Jan '08 due to an asteroid colliding with the earth. They asked all viewers to get into their Anti-Collision Underground Bunkers (no, im not exaggerating) to survive. Boy, they must have been pretty surprised when they ventured out of their own on the first of feb.

Somewhere in April 2008: Sahara Samay found minute traces of mercurium onshore Goa. Immediate end due to radiation, they claimed. There was widespread SMS panic. People were actually enquiring whether any "Puja" or "Yagya" would save their ass. This news finally went of the air when some class 9th student called in to say, "There is no mercurium in India!". This was one hilarious coverage.

Late June 2008: India TV had a very long running show on abducted cows in Australia, complete with animated images of UFO's beaming in cows like Scotty of Star Trek fame (yes, i know there was no scotty! but that is the phrase most people remember). After no major response from viewers, they announced that the aliens were building a bovine army to wipe us off the planet and destroy it!

Now that was the last straw. A bovine army? Seriously? What did they plan to do, chew us like cud? It didnt get to me at first, but when I did get into a journalism course at college, I had a fleeting moment of terror that I may actually have to join such channels and report news such as this. Really Horrifying! These reports have stopped for the time being, though Im sure they'll make a comeback when the TRP's drop.

Till then
Signing Out,
My World Intact.


arnav said...

V.V.V.V.V. Imp Question that I wish to raise. How were these channles ever allowed to broadcast by the InB minister? Isnt he supposed to weed out stuff like this?

Or was he too busy ogling at the models on FTV and banning them?

And why do you see such channels????

ishita-dasgupta said...

@anty = *bows*
u rock gal! i so luv u 4 writing smthn abt those creepy "news" channels...smthn m gonna b doin 2...pretty soon!! :)
vry well-researched post...gud job!!!

@arnav = dude! i mean...DUDE!!!
how can u even ASK y v watch these channels?? dey r d most entertaining thing u vil ever find in ur tv sets...dey can giv ekta kapoor a serious run 4 her money man!!! :P
n abt d InB minister banning dem bit...do u rly kno india???
d point is dat even if he duz attempt 2 "weed out stuff like dat" (which he never will, bt anyway..) he vil probably end up weeding out d whole goddamn news channel altogether...coz SHIT is all dey rly provide...24x7!!!

Jeff said...

*ahem* are all indian channels that crappy or are these the few?

Jeff said...

Doesnt purple brains, also mean a snob? *chuckle*

anty_anand said...

No, not all of them are like that. We have good ones as well.

and no, it does not mean a snob.

Jeff said...

A nice blog. Very well done, you do have a good command over words. And of course you do have the ability to provoke hilarity in a situation.
I do hope I'll see more of ur blog.

carltessa said...

Ohkay! *slightly taken aback*