“We wear our scarves just like a noose,
But not because we want eternal sleep”
Captain Obvious was having a tough day at the office. His dry cleaner had payed no heed to his admonitions, the maid couldn’t care less for his obvious places to look for socks and Rosie O’Donnell’s kid had just dropped a major bomb on the sensibilities of the world at large. Her 19 year old son had gotten someone pregnant. Ordinarily, this would have solicited simply an e-mail from his side, but it had turned out that the ‘someone’ in question was 44 years old and was obviously trying to give child rearing a last shot before menopause hit her straight on.
He grabbed his coat, super-hero outfit and the frequent flier miles that every airline in the world had gifted to the company to keep him from stating the obvious dangers of air travel on television. They were useful in his overseas adventures, he’d reasoned. The first compromise of the two he would make in his career as a hero.
As he ran down the stairs, a sense of foreboding came over him. But they didn’t name him Captain Obvious for nothing. He shrugged it off to the memory of the airline food and terrible foot space that was to plague him for the next few days. This time, he should have paid closer attention since it was soon to become even more obvious than it already was that always referring to the obvious was not the best way to live.
Taking a feather from this particular hat, I state the not-so-obvious: This is not his story.
Our story begins with a young woman of twenty, a gem, simply waiting to be discovered. With skin as soft as silk, manners of a fine lady and a tendency to come of as something of an enigma in her own voiceovers. It wasn’t hard to imagine her wearing a cape, trawling across the deserts of the Sahara as she brought joy and peace to weary travellers and their animals. At the moment, however, she lounged in her chair in the offices of Captain Obvious & Co, she pondered upon the latest escapade that had sent her boss tearing out in such a hurry. His job was tedious, letting the entire world know what was so totally obvious. He nearly had a fit, when he heard that Rosie O’Donnell’s 19 year old kid had gotten his 44 year old lover pregnant. But I digress.
Our story begins with the heroine of all heroines, the love of all lovers and the beat that sent a million hearts in a flurry. Our story starts with a young woman of twenty.
She was a woman of many names. She wasn’t particularly famous or infamous. People simply found the name to be a handful to pronounce while being funny or drunk. Over the years, they had resorted to simpler four letter names.
Of course now, her efforts were towards writing a speech for Captain Obvious while he tried to put some much needed sense in the minds of those who worked in Hollywood. After all, she said to herself, “How does a 19 year old even meet a 44 year old woman in the first place?” There were no hotspots that came to mind, nor were there any get togethers that plunged the opposite ends of the hormone spectrum together.
“Just another day at the office”, she commented to no one in particular.
She had no lover in her life and rumours were beginning to spread that the Captain may have a thing for her. As much as he wanted to believe them, she knew the Captain needed somebody ambiguous in his life. Too much obviousness is as obvious, poison for a relationship. It was a summer internship run far too long and now she was taking time to come out of the comfort zone. The work suited her nature and the food in the downstairs mess was the best she’d had in years. She was a great second-in-command, about as efficient in pointing out the obvious flaws in the new Marks & Spencer mark-ups as the Captain was. On the days that the Captain was ill, she stepped into the shoes of Lady Obvious.
“Catchy”, she thought “but no competition to Lady GaGa.”
And with that thought, the protagonist of our story slowly fell asleep, only to be awakened rudely in some twenty minutes and forty three seconds by an e-mail. As the loud warning went off, she cursed the very day the postman went out of fashion. Then remembering the number of times she could have been caught in the middle of the shower vs. postman situation she reconsidered her curse and decided that she would rather have the MJ era back.
To Be Continued